Where have I been?

I’ve been lost in thought
Working things out
Making big plans
Considering my future
Weighing my choices
Using my head
Trying my best to solve my problems with my mind
When my mind itself is the problem.

The heart of the matter -Does It Work?

The question we are often asking ourselves, but one that is rarely spoken aloud, is addressed simply and directly here by Sensei Janet Jiryu Abel in this excerpt from a talk. In the Soto school of Zen, which is the predominant sect in Japan, the practice consists almost entirely of Shikintaza or “just sitting”. Shikintaza is literally to take the posture of Zazen and just sit there with no goals, no aspirations, no good, no bad, just sit. There are no cookies or trophies. You don’t necessarily get up from sitting feeling great that you did it. You may rise from your noble posture only to ask yourself why the hell would anybody just sit there like a dumbass.

it’s all passing away

I have started physical therapy because my body is not working. One thing that long, depressive states often leave you with is a weak, untrained, puffy body that doesn’t obey commands very well.

My first day the trainer looked me over and twisted and tugged and all that shit, so he could see what he had gotten stuck with. He’s just as hot as he can be and sweet as he can be. You can see my first barrier was learning to keep my mouth closed and pay attention to what he was saying without devouring him with my eyes. Yeah – that hot.

In the twising and poking we found my hips are wearing out. What strikes mt is that the pain I started feeling in my mid thirties that was so easy to ignore has become that indicator of old age – bad hips. I used to have such a sweet butt, I was known for it. Very ironic of you Universe or Karma or whatever.

Teach then shredded more illusions by letting me know that the easy exercise of walking, just WALKING was not the best for me right now. Apparently I have to build up some shock absorbers (aka muscle) before I can perform the daring act of walking a few hundred feet. So it’s cycling first.

Ok, I accepted all that, he saw that I accepted it and even commented on it (“not unexpected then, right?” he said).

But he then gave me the exercises that I am to do. As we know. all exercises are illustrated with slim healthy white folks doing the movements with ease while smiling. The ones he gave me had the sketch of an old fart with a big belly struggling to make one stupid rep. Seriously.

It’s still on my mind.

at this moment

I have been posting various excerpts, vids, and stuff found elsewhere that strikes something in me instead of sharing anything of myself. There’s several reasons for this.

The obvious difficulty in making posts in this blog is trying to think of words that point to an experience that is beyond words. I have read admonitions in many books about getting stuck “eating the menu” or, in other words, to attempt to find satisfaction in thinking or talking about a practice that, by definition is not based in words or letters. But then there HAVE been MANY books, as I said. So, talking about the unspeakable is certainly popular. Human nature I guess.

Yes, Really




From Tricycle’s Daily Dharma

Yes, Really

Practice can be stated very simply. It is moving from a life of hurting myself and others to a life of not hurting myself and others. That seems so simple–except when we substitute for real practice some idea that we should be different or better than we are, or that our lives should be different from the way they are. When we substitute our ideas about what should be (such notions as “I should not be angry or confused or unwilling”) for our life as it truly is, then we’re off base and our practice is barren.

– Charlotte Joko Beck, in Everyday Zen
from Everyday Mind, edited by Jean Smith, a Tricycle book

A New Earth, Eckhart Tolle and Oprah Winfrey

“Knowing yourself deeply has nothing to do with whatever ideas are floating around in your mind. Knowing yourself is to be rooted in Being and not lost in your mind.”

Daily Dharma

Stream of Thoughts

We tend to be particularly unaware that we are thinking virtually all the time. The incessant stream of thoughts flowing through our minds leaves us very little respite for inner quiet. And we leave precious little room for ourselves anyway just to be, without having to run around doing things all the time. Our actions are all too frequently driven rather than undertaken in awareness, driven by those perfectly ordinary thoughts and impulses that run through the mind like a coursing river, if not a waterfall. We get caught up in the torrent and it winds up submerging our lives as it carries us to places we may not wish to go and may not even realize we are headed for.

Meditation means learning how to get out of this current, sit by its bank and listen to it, learn from it, and then use its energies to guide us rather than to tyrannize us. This process doesn’t magically happen by itself. It takes energy. We call the effort to cultivate our ability to be in the present moment “practice” or “meditation practice.”

– Jon Kabat-Zinn, Wherever You Go, There You Are

From Everyday Mind, a Tricycle book edited by Jean Smith

The “incessant stream of thoughts” does indeed drive my actions now. Since my thoughts tend to not only race but diverge onto multiple paths my actions tend to be few (the thoughts overwhelm me into inaction it often seems) and they tend to be uninformed by reality. In other words. I tend to say and sometimes do things that are not based on what is actually happening in my world. An example would by my misinterpretation of what someone has said to me so that I react in a defensive or aggressive manner. If I had either not given my interpretation of whatever the person had said any credence without checking to see if that is what they really meant, the resulting reaction from that person would not be so angry and confused.

My practice now consists of random moments of following my breath, reading books on Zen or related matter and the care of plants. These are good but not substitutes for a daily zazen routine. I want to go to my old pattern of two 30 minute sittings a day plus study and work practice (mindfulness in my actions).